Friendship and Dinner Plates

 I don't know what's so scary about being emotionally attached to anyone. What if I consider you to be my best friend, and you don't? Poof. I immediately feel like one of those drag along friends you brag about to people you wanna impress : 

"Oh, him? Nah, he's not my best friend. Poor guy, he's so delusional. To even think he's MY best friend is a joke. Haha.." 

I had this sickness of opening up to people about things I wouldn't normally talk about. Just to get their approval. To let them know that I trust them that much. To leverage my openness for them to do as well, whether they like it or not; whether they're ready or not.

So today, I am as closed as Bartemius Crouch Jr.'s box used to jail his Polyjuice Potion victims.  I just cannot accept being close to anyone. I'm too scared that my investing in them emotionally wouldn't be reciprocated. I have friends, of course yeah. But no,

I don't have any best friends.

 I do not even get the definition! How can you be so close to a person and get that feeling back? That feeling of knowing that he/she is as dependant on me as I am on him/her - I never got that. And now, me sheilding myself from MAKING any best friends probably is hindering any CHANCE of that as well. Paradox, eh?

Of course, there are a few people who manage to trickle in through my mental wall. Dumbledore DID know the right way to open Crouch's prisoner box, didn't he? But they're such a precious few. And me, being the idiot I am, don't even realise or appreciate the reciprocation. I mean, how screwed up am I? 

I know this guy with whom I used to be great friends in my childhood. He's a coupla years older, in college right now. It's funny to think about how much we spent our times together. Now,  He comes for what, a few days in an year, we meet, we have  the his and hellos, and then we have that 'dinner-in-same-plate' wala thing. Then he goes home, I go home and gone. No chit-chat, no keeping in touch. Is this the friendship version of "No strings attached"? I'm not complaining, honestly. I'm glad I get company to eat food with. But what does that make me? A guy who can't value himself to be more than just a 'use-throw' friend? Maybe I think too much. 

Well, I guess I'm doomed to be a dinner-plate-sharing wala friend. But, I've learnt to compromise. What compromise, you ask?

Ever had that rasmalai  on your plate at a social function that gets mixed up with your panner butter masala, ruining its taste effectively? You still end up compromising and eating it because hey, atleast you get to eat a rasmalai! 

^That compromise.

What am I but confusion?

What am I but confusion?
I do not know what I love
I do not know what I detest.
I find prettiness in the alpine coves,
But I happily destroy them for my joy-fests.

What am I but confusion?
I say I am different because I love
I say I am unique because I care.
But it I who at the slightest whim, picks up the bow.
But it is I who destroys my self, just for the bigger share.

What am I but confusion?
That I say one thing
And do another
I just pretend to care for
This land given to me by my father.

What am I but confusion?
I say I know better.
But do I really do?
Am I not blinded by my greed?

The Retxed Way.

Dreams don't fade me away, neither does
Energy, life, or enthusiasm. I find space in your little
Xanadu. And funnily enough, I stay.
Try edging me out all you want,
Even scream out in desperation.
Reach out to anyone, but remember this, I will stay.

Here I am, your Dark Passenger, waiting to be fed.

My presence will be felt. Even in the closest of spaces will I be
Open, gaping, living only for Death.
Reproachful you are, relentless you are, respondent you are.
Goodness, with me around, it ain't possible.
And the sad thing is, I am your only friend.
Now smile, you've got a whole world to deceive.

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First attempt at an Acrostic. :)