8 days.

25/7/2014 - 1/8/2014

'Saata hai?'

'Haan ji, saata hai.'

I have been so accustomed to those words over the past few weeks that my response to the question has become almost sub-conscious. 'Saata hai' roughly means 'Are you feeling okay?' in Marwadi and the reason people asked me that was because I went on a fast for 8 days - an "Athai" in Jain terms. For the fast, I was to drink only boiled water from sunrise to sunset. No food, no juice, no nothing. I lost eight kilos during the event and also some of my already scarce strength.

Those 8 days were a period of self-reflection, introspection and a lot of sleep. Along with testing my body's endurance, I found that the biggest challenge for me was to gain control of my mind. My mind which kept wandering towards the smell of food from the kitchen, the view of pastries from the bakery next door and to images of exotic dishes shown in cookbooks at home.

The fast also allowed me to think about my life in a way that only an extended fast can make you. From a very primeval perspective, the first and foremost task of any living creature is to nourish itself, to survive. To voluntarily curb that particular, heavily-ingrained instinct felt like a monumental task. But on its accomplishment, I had feelings I didn't anticipate.

I felt free. I felt victorious.

The most important aspect of Jainism is saiiyam, or self-restraint. It is said by restricting the self, the impurities of the soul reduce and the individual is closer to moksha, or eternal salvation. I certainly didn't feel that I was closer to any sort of salvation, but a certain kind of peace did engulf me in the last few days of the fast. I felt vibrant and positive. I seemed to liberate myself from emotions that caused me pain. Honestly, it felt so weird, but it also felt really, really amazing.

So to you, the reader, I challenge you to do this. Restrict yourself from food for a day and tell me if you feel the same way. Perhaps it's all just my over-thinking brain addled with a loss of nutrients that made me experience all this. But perhaps it's not. And that is exciting!

"Choosing between what is right, and what is easy"

While I agree that India has taken a step backwards when it comes to the issue of homosexuality, I don't think it is right of us to consider detaching ourselves from our homeland just because of a pertinent problem that needs to be solved. Its irksome to know that our collective mentality is not to actually take action against the rampant plague of ignorance in our nation but to raise our hands and say "nothing can be done". Every struggle against inequality throughout the world was overcome only by the proactive protest of people who knew better and had the necessary knowledge to save those who drown in the pool of their own ignorance. Let's not take the easy route of giving up hope in our progress as a nation. It takes small steps to reach the ideal dream of equality; Let's raise our feet to take the first.

What would have happened if the few white South Africans during the dark period of Apartheid who chose to support the black population had raised their hands and said "this can't be done"? What would have happened if the Britishers who helped India during independence had chosen to say "this is hopeless?" Things might have not been the same.

You may point a finger at me and ask me what I am doing to be proactive; you have every right to. I am presently thousands of kilometers away from India and the only exposure I have to the situation back home is through online media. 

However, it pains me to know that I still am not entirely vaccinated from the disease of ignorance about homosexuality. I think I can start to make a change by just gaining more knowledge and banishing some the myths regarding this issue. 

SUPPORT LOVE. 

Friendship and Dinner Plates

 I don't know what's so scary about being emotionally attached to anyone. What if I consider you to be my best friend, and you don't? Poof. I immediately feel like one of those drag along friends you brag about to people you wanna impress : 

"Oh, him? Nah, he's not my best friend. Poor guy, he's so delusional. To even think he's MY best friend is a joke. Haha.." 

I had this sickness of opening up to people about things I wouldn't normally talk about. Just to get their approval. To let them know that I trust them that much. To leverage my openness for them to do as well, whether they like it or not; whether they're ready or not.

So today, I am as closed as Bartemius Crouch Jr.'s box used to jail his Polyjuice Potion victims.  I just cannot accept being close to anyone. I'm too scared that my investing in them emotionally wouldn't be reciprocated. I have friends, of course yeah. But no,

I don't have any best friends.

 I do not even get the definition! How can you be so close to a person and get that feeling back? That feeling of knowing that he/she is as dependant on me as I am on him/her - I never got that. And now, me sheilding myself from MAKING any best friends probably is hindering any CHANCE of that as well. Paradox, eh?

Of course, there are a few people who manage to trickle in through my mental wall. Dumbledore DID know the right way to open Crouch's prisoner box, didn't he? But they're such a precious few. And me, being the idiot I am, don't even realise or appreciate the reciprocation. I mean, how screwed up am I? 

I know this guy with whom I used to be great friends in my childhood. He's a coupla years older, in college right now. It's funny to think about how much we spent our times together. Now,  He comes for what, a few days in an year, we meet, we have  the his and hellos, and then we have that 'dinner-in-same-plate' wala thing. Then he goes home, I go home and gone. No chit-chat, no keeping in touch. Is this the friendship version of "No strings attached"? I'm not complaining, honestly. I'm glad I get company to eat food with. But what does that make me? A guy who can't value himself to be more than just a 'use-throw' friend? Maybe I think too much. 

Well, I guess I'm doomed to be a dinner-plate-sharing wala friend. But, I've learnt to compromise. What compromise, you ask?

Ever had that rasmalai  on your plate at a social function that gets mixed up with your panner butter masala, ruining its taste effectively? You still end up compromising and eating it because hey, atleast you get to eat a rasmalai! 

^That compromise.

What am I but confusion?

What am I but confusion?
I do not know what I love
I do not know what I detest.
I find prettiness in the alpine coves,
But I happily destroy them for my joy-fests.

What am I but confusion?
I say I am different because I love
I say I am unique because I care.
But it I who at the slightest whim, picks up the bow.
But it is I who destroys my self, just for the bigger share.

What am I but confusion?
That I say one thing
And do another
I just pretend to care for
This land given to me by my father.

What am I but confusion?
I say I know better.
But do I really do?
Am I not blinded by my greed?

The Retxed Way.

Dreams don't fade me away, neither does
Energy, life, or enthusiasm. I find space in your little
Xanadu. And funnily enough, I stay.
Try edging me out all you want,
Even scream out in desperation.
Reach out to anyone, but remember this, I will stay.

Here I am, your Dark Passenger, waiting to be fed.

My presence will be felt. Even in the closest of spaces will I be
Open, gaping, living only for Death.
Reproachful you are, relentless you are, respondent you are.
Goodness, with me around, it ain't possible.
And the sad thing is, I am your only friend.
Now smile, you've got a whole world to deceive.

_________________________________________________

First attempt at an Acrostic. :)